Grace

Throughout my journey I have often failed to give myself the same kindness I give to others. I fail to accept my mistakes and allow myself to learn and improve. I will beat myself up and hold on to it forever. I don't forgive myself. I had always thought my mistakes were because I was flawed, lazy, stupid, and despite numerous doctors’ visits I never got anything to say otherwise. I was healthy, so I must just suck.

I see so many things online while I mindlessly scroll that go on about "don't label me" "labels are for clothes" "I'm more than a label" and sure that makes sense - we are all human. But labels can be more than just that, and they don't have to be bad. My label identifies me and explains the way I am to myself and to others to allow a better understanding of how I work. It allows me to give myself the same grace I give to others when they mess up, when they're feeling low. It allows me to say "hey, this is okay, this is tough for you, you struggle with this - but you're trying and now maybe you need to get some space and recharge". I don't just jump straight to hating myself because I could not for the life of me figure out what the fuck my problem was. I still struggle now and I suspect that will continue because it is not only me that I have to think about, but my family too, who certainly will never fully understand what goes on inside during these moments.

I have become somewhat obsessed with what being autistic/ADHD is about not only because I am terrified of misusing the terms and offending people, but because I want to know everything about how it affects my mind, my body, my soul. What makes other people tick, can I learn from them, do they struggle with this or that, is this even relevant or is it something else and I am just way off?

I keep talking myself out of it like, "no, you are fine, you're normal, stop being lazy and just get on with stuff, come on you're not autistic, don't be dumb". Then I pause and I tell that part of myself to shut up. My life flashes before my eyes and everything that ever made me different is suddenly clearer, casted in a golden glow, highlighted as if to say "look, see, it was always there, but no one could quite catch it". It helps me reflect when I am having a hard time after a seemingly uneventful moment and look at it with different eyes. I can go back and try to pinpoint what about it triggered me so I can either avoid it, if that's possible, or work towards a different reaction and allow myself space to recover.

It's not always easy and I often find myself losing it at the worst time and going back to the old habit of hating myself because I should know better now. But I don't and I don't think a lot of people do and even if they do, can they even help it if they crash out because something was just too much, or not right and their head just screams no no no no no. I don't like that I do it. I wish I could just chill out and exist in this world without much bothering me. But a lot bothers me, and I am trying to be a little more selfish so that my people pleasing doesn't end up destroying me at the end of the day. I am saying no. I am tyring to take time to rest my mind. I am allowing myself to fuck it up and try again next time.

My mind takes control, and I am unable to pull it back. The trigger has been pulled and that bullet is flying through the air and nothing can stop it as it reaches its target. Whether that's my husband receiving the full force of my meltdown, my daughter only getting half answers and limited eye contact while I hold in the fire in my chest with everything I have (to then unleash hell on my husband), or myself - because sometimes hurting the people I love hurts too damn much that I will take the full force of that bullet as it tears me up inside.

It still hurts. But understanding that it is not always something I have full control over allows me to give myself the grace I need to actually figure it out.