Health

The main focus of my health journey has very much been inside my head. Working through the demons in my mind and exorcising them one by one until I am left with only me, not influenced by others’ opinions, comments, or expectations. This is still a huge part of becoming the best me and I am still a long way from achieving all that I believe I can - guided by my own expectations (which are tough enough to meet - thanks!).

MIND

I am, like so many others these days, working with the strong possibility that I have ADHD. Or maybe even AuDHD honestly. Being a walking contradiction has always been the way I would describe myself, constantly battling with myself over what I should do or am able to do.

I should pick up that sock that's been sitting on the stairs for four days. But I can't seem to find it in myself to actually pick it up (the laundry is already piled up - who cares about this one sock?)

I should shower to make myself feel good and to look after myself. But I can't find the energy to complete all the necessary steps to actually get into the shower (and then all the tasks while actually in the shower!)

I should eat healthier to increase my energy and feel better. But I can't seem to find the motivation to actually cook or prepare said healthy meals (if it takes longer than about 5 minutes - I'm bored.)

I should get a good nights sleep so I feel less exhausted in the morning. But I can't go to sleep without scrolling until I physically pass out (and even then my quality of sleep is awful!)

I should go out and get some hobbies and do things I enjoy. But I can't handle being bad or mediocre at something I like, so I don't (enjoyment isn't even something I consider with a hobby.)

I am very aware of where I am failing as a human and what I need to do to feel better. I understand my flaws and know how I could improve. My therapist from a few years back, the first one I saw, always questioned it and eventually gave up on me because she couldn't tell me anything I didn't already know. But when I present myself with these solutions my brain shuts down and I end up sitting down in a state of overwhelm at the (not very long honestly) list of tasks I would need to complete to achieve this. This is something I have only recently been able to verbalise and perhaps mentioning this earlier could have led to some different conversations.

As a child I would say I did well in school with good grades and some extracurricular stuff too and always seemed to have a flair for languages (English, German and Japanese) and this was always pushed on me as something I could make a career from. And that was my goal for a long time, but it became harder and harder to keep up and I would find myself escaping into books and games more and more. I would read a book for a solid 8 hours, only stopping to pee. Not eating, not drinking - until my mum called me for dinner and I couldn't decline. And gaming, I could do that until the wee hours of the morning, with a few minor regrets. I have since learned this behaviour was probably me in hyperfocus (?).

I always saw things saying that ADHD presents in children and you must have symptoms in childhood for a diagnosis, and I never really saw them, so I figured I was just lazy and unmotivated to do anything because I am just a bit shit. But as I grow and learn about ADHD the more it relates to me and leaves me thinking that maybe I am not a huge waste of space and maybe I actually have a disorder that means normal human tasks are just overwhelmingly difficult for me unless I have strong interest in it, and time to give it my undivided attention.

I do not often engage in hobbies as being a mother takes up a lot of my mental capacity, which leaves my brain with little energy to spend the energy I would want to spend on things I enjoy. I also find myself being a bit of a perfectionist, so hobbies to me are useless unless I am really good at them. As soon as I find out I am not great at it, I quit. I don't persist and get better. I just want to be good at it now and if I am not, I don't want to do it anymore. And when I do get into something, let's use my rekindled love or writing as an example - I will constantly nick pick and tweak and change and critique until I am so overwhelmed with it not being perfect, I stop and have to step away. Of course I want it to look professional and proper, but I will beat myself up about it for no reason.

I am not an experienced professional author. I am still learning through experience and not everything I write will be perfect. No one is perfect. I have read many books with weird wording and typos so why do I hold myself to an impossibly high standard when many professionals with editing teams still make mistakes. I am just me, I will make mistakes and that's fine. But I still struggle to accept it. I will wear myself down to the point that I don't want to do it anymore. And that leads to continuous feelings of disappointment in myself not being able to stick to anything and beating myself up further for still being a failure.

Like everyone else in the world, I have to do things I am not enthusiastic about. Things that don't tickle my brain and these things drain every ounce of energy from me leaving nothing left for my passions. I force myself through it all because I have to, but it is exhausting.

What many people are still trying to understand, and I appreciate it's difficult - it is for me too - is how much things like this can affect a person, truly. We're not lazy. We want to be able to do these normal human things and keep up with everything and work hard and act right and make good decisions but sometimes we simply can't. Our brains are not wired that way. So something may seem so simple to you, for example brushing your teeth - without a thought, right? For me to brush my teeth I need to psych myself up, I have to force myself to move my legs to the bathroom, to pick up the toothbrush, to put toothpaste on it, to move the brush around in my mouth, to rinse it and put it away. Each of these things is a separate task for me. So while most people see brushing their teeth as one simple task, for me it's about six.

While I have not received an formal diagnosis, so I do not say with certainty that this is what I have - I would be happy to find out either what is going on, this is what I'm working with right now to see if having a reason behind it all makes it easier to process and live with.

BODY

I have been back at the gym the last couple of weeks - the first time I have properly given it a go since before my daughter was born - and I am already feeling like I want to go, that I need to go. It makes me feel accomplished and good about myself after a workout. Now these aren't long sessions, about 30-45 minutes, a mix of weights and cardio, but I feel fitter and stronger each day, even with the slight muscle ache!

Fitness has never really been my thing, I am very much and indoor gamer, reader, nerd and venturing out and exercising - be it outside or at the gym - was never really enticing. But a few years back I got into it. I became almost obsessed with going to the gym, or out on a run and I'd feel rotten when I didn't. But it wasn't an unhealthy obsession. I wasn't dropping weight rapidly or starving myself or pushing myself beyond what my body could cope with. I was just addicted to the feeling I felt afterwards and it is something I have struggled to find since having my daughter since a lot of my, already minimal, brain power is used on her.

This journey is only just beginning but I am excited to share my progress as I work towards a healthy goal and I hope to feel improvements continually week by week. I'm hoping to finally regain that 'itch' to get out and move my body to save myself from rotting away at my desk and becoming increasingly unhealthy, which means I struggle to be the woman and mother I desire to be. I can't wait to start feeling more alive.

Currently the goal is that by Christmas I will be closer to my ideal healthy weigh which, if I stick to this, I should easily be able to do. I am of course expecting cheat days, parties, holidays, celebration in between when I won't be in a calorie deficit, or limiting my sugar intake or maybe a few lazy days where I do need to rest and recharge at home. I am allowing myself some normal human days because this is not sustainable for me forever. I want to chunk off some weight and gradually implement a normal diet which I hope will be easier once I am through the worst of my sugar withdrawal! And if I keep up with the exercise this will allow me the delicious treats I love without pushing me back to the unhealthy place I am at now.

So we have a ways to go, but I am excited for it and I finally feel in a good enough place mentally to really try.