Hilariously human

I have been listening to some podcasts by Derren Brown on Audible recently, firsty because I love his voice, secondly, I enjoy his mind tricks and find them fascinating, and thirdly because he has released some interesting things on emotion and how the brain works, causing you to act a certain way during a triggering event for example, or simply make a decision.

I have found it all very interesting particularly since my therapy has concluded as I am finding more ways to engage with my emotions and control myself and be a better person. The person I know I am deep down but sometimes struggle to let out because someone has done me an injustice or annoyed me for whatever reason I deem important. When in reality, that issue does not affect me, or it doesnt impact me in anyway that I couldn't control if I made that choice, but for some reason I am stuck on it and feel the need to yell or offend or defend.

I am also working on listening to my emotions - what are they telling me? What can I do to either a) engage with and reduce the negative emotion or b) seek out and increase the positive emotions.

My negative emotions certainly get the better of me and regularly cause me to go off in a mood and stew in my own moodiness about what has hurt me, or angered me. What I think has done me a disservice and should be rectified. I often yell, or cry, or shut myself away and escape when a negative mood takes hold of me. But I rarely listen to it. I just shout over it and make things worse leading to further negative emotions. I am hoping to be able to listen to what my brain is telling me and rather than lash out and ignore it, just feel it and allow myself to calm down before I do anthing stupid.

I do feel positive emotions strongly too. I am very emotional, good or bad, and sometimes this can be overwhelming and a bit much so I tend to try and hold it back a little to save being incredibly annoying. But many of my positive feelings are short lived because I have often felt unsafe in a happy environment because at any moment everything could be taken away, the proverbial rug pulled out from beneath me. So preemptively I make myself sad or angry, before the world has a chance. It feels like it gives me control over how I feel, that nothing else can take that control from me. But if I have that choice, why am I choosing anger or sadness, why can't I CHOOSE happy?

Sometimes these things just take over and whether we like it or not bad moods will strike. And that's okay I am learning, because whatever I am feeling is right and appropriate at the time. It is how you process it and project it that matters. I do not want my bad moods to affect my husband or daughter. I do not want my bad moods to affect my work or social life. But they do, and they likely will continue to do so. But what I hope to do is reduce the frequency in which that happens. Feel my emotions in a healthy way, but keep them to myself when I need to listen and share enough that I feel seen and heard in that feeling, but not too much that I end up screaming and slamming doors because I let my emotions take control of the conversation.

Derren used a description in his podcast which tickled me, "we are all hilariously human". And I liked it because it felt like a very light hearted grouping of us as humans. And sometimes we are kind of funny. The way we process things and the decisions we make are sometimes a bit odd and we do sometimes just have to 'laugh it off' to get through some of the tough or weird stuff.

It's a whirldwind learning to cope with and control your emotions in your thirties, and then teaching these skills to a 4 year old when you barely have a grasp of them yourself. But this is pushing me to learn, to understand myself better so that I can be a better mother and wife and friend and employee.

I will continue my education with books on philosophy and podcasts on emotions and how the brain works in the way we make decisions and feel things, as well as simply enjoying some time by myself to truly listen to myself and to get to know me. I encourage anyone else to find some time to do the same. It's pretty nice.