Labels

Throughout our lives many of us are given labels. Labels that identify a quirk, a personality trait or a perceived problem. Psycho. Slut. Retard. Creep. Freak. Stuck Up. Quiet. Awkward. (Add your own!) Not always kind, but a label we tend to carry with us through to adulthood.

Now most of us grow past the labels we are given in our youth, we grow out of them, we blossom into a fully functional member of society. We become "normal". Some of us cannot let go so easily. Some of the labels we are given: Stupid. Lazy. Weird - stick with us and morph into a twisted sense of self that rarely reflects who we actually are.

I am currently researching (excessively) a very likely scenario in which I have Autism and ADHD. Now some people may think "Oh, we all have some traits of this that and the other. You're fine." and some people might think "Well that's just a way to get attention" I do not want attention, believe me. People freak me out and I'd rather avoid them for the most part. Until I don't. Anyway, this is not about attention or being told I'm fine. I know I am fine, what I am is autistic and ADHD.

This may seem unimportant/dumb to a lot of people for the above reasons and probably more, but I will explain why having a reason, not an excuse, for my entire being is kind of a big deal for me.

Struggling because I am autistic or ADHD vs just being lazy and a bit shit at life are two very different things. My whole life I have believed that I am just a failure for not picking up on these basic normal human things or being able to cope with other basic normal human things. I believed I was just not trying hard enough, so I tried harder. I tried so hard I was burnt out before I was even 20 years old and a decade of depression followed. I could not safely be my myself nor could I express myself properly or honestly. I did not believe I could be autistic or ADHD as I did not present "typically" (which a lot of women don't by the way - hooray).

While most people go on about not being labelled - I want a label. I want to know that I am not a failure. I am not useless. I want to know that I am struggling to perform basic tasks because they are just not something I can do or cope with typically. Yes I can push through a lot of them for a short time to please people and to be a normal functioning member of society, but oftentimes I am so grumpy and overwhelmed afterwards that I snap and lose my temper and I become someone I don't like. I force myself to contribute like a normal person, but I do not think I am a normal person and I am tired to pretending to be one.

For a long time I dismissed it because surely I would have noticed sooner or someone else would have noticed. I know autistic people and I don't act like them. I am learning that autism presents differently in everyone and some are more obvious than others. I have not jumped into this, shouting it from the rooftops, without researching the hell out of it first (Hello autism). I have looked into it, taken several tests from various websites and sources, as well as a healthy bit of social media for some of the less textbook symptoms from people - all of which suggest I get a formal assessment.

Unfortunately, a formal assessment requires paying a psychologist and is not an expense I can afford or justify, especially since I wont get any tangeable benefit from a formal diagnosis other than removing the feeling of being an imposter. I can go to a doctor to rule out other things, leaving little else BUT Autism and ADHD, but I will still feel like I am fake without a professional telling me it's fact. I will still feel like nobody will take it seriously or continue to tell me that I'm fine and just need to focus and commit.

I could spend all day telling you the little things that are my every day experience but most of you still may not be convinced. I'm just weird, a bit different, "quirky". While I do like being different from everyone else, it is also exhausting trying to make friends with "normal" people, as I just don't click with them, I can't relate to them, I have nothing to say. It's lonely, and believe me I have tried. New people in my life exhaust me because I am constantly trying to guage how much of "myself" I can show. Am I acting weird, am I acting weirder trying not to be weird? Am I staring at their eyes too much, am I staring at their mouth too much now, where do I look? Does anyone notice my excesive finger tapping or my vocal tics - should I stop, can I stop? It pains me to stop doing them, but I don't want people to notice. I end up sitting in the middle of all these people, tapping away and staring around the room not knowing what to say, not good at small talk, not good at relating to their interests or over sharing mine when no one asked or cared. Do I even have interests? I just exist for as long as is socially required and I get out of there. Granted a bit of alcohol always helps, but it never gets rid of it, I just hate myself the next day, rather than in real time.

I know labels don't define us and I don't want it to. This is just the first thing I have properly researched that feels right. It hits me in a way OCD or depression or anxiety never did. And granted, all of these things are true and likely partially caused by Autism and ADHD, but they never felt like who I was. This 'label' is so true to who I really am it's scary. Am I ready to actually be myself, do I dare? Would people still like me if I flung off my cape and revealed the neurospicy person I actually am when no one is watching?

Maybe one day I will have the answer to that.