The Big D

Doubt.

Disbelief.

Denial.

I have been working on my next book for a couple of months now and with each reread I truly think it's rather good (if I can say that!) but I also become increasingly skeptical that I even wrote a lot of the words. Perhaps some kind hacker has cracked my password and decided to write a well written story in place of my own - because I certainly could not have written this myself.

I doubt that I have the skills to be able to craft something good, well written, and engaging.

I am in disbelief that I actually wrote the words I am reading, rather than someone competent.

I am in denial about possibly being good at this and think about giving up because I can't possibly keep up this charade.

The story forming in my mind escapes from me every time and becomes independent. I think I get so lost in writing it that I completely forget I even did, because I wasn't just writing it, I was living it, playing it out in my brain allowing the story to play out like a movie in my mind. With director notes and a retake if it didn't quite play out right the first time, with a change in attitude, a change of pace, a change in direction to make it fit the story better. For the characters to better fit their roles.

I will continue to doubt my ability and I will continue to deny that I am even doing this at all and have perhaps got myself lost in some strange dream where I am actually writing a second book because I am in disbelief that I managed to ever finish the first one. The sense that I have in fact been taken over or possessed by some kind of competent author is constant and will often hold me back from writing because I think 'Why bother, I can't do this. I'm being a fool in thinking that this could be something for me.' But I have. I can. I am. It is. I love it. I love putting the stories in my mind onto a page. I love explaining the images in my head and letting them be free.

This writing journey is teaching me a lot about myself, if I choose to believe it, and I am taking great pleasure in meeting this new me. Yes, I doubt her often, and I frankly don't believe in her yet, but I am excited to see what she comes up with, and maybe one day I'll believe it was actually me.