The storm

While it is wildly fascinating and encouraging to find out the reason that you are the way that you are, it also comes with a massive wave of grief.

Grief for the girl who never quite fit anywhere. The girl who desperately wanted to understand and be understood before she could do anything successfully and was often left with answers that only left her frustrated and unable to engage with anything meaningfully - "because I said so" "because that's just how it is". Grief for the girl who got lost in an online world where communication was easier, and felt safer because she could think and process at her own speed and didn't have to worry about looking or acting the right way. The girl who would practice facial expressions in the mirror because when people looked at her in the real world they seemed to look at her a little differently. The girl who clung to anybody who would give her the time of day, before her obsession would drive them away when all she wanted was for them to care for her the way she did for them. Grief for the girl who would cry so hard and so loud because her feelings were overwhelming and all consuming, over even the slightest miscommunication or misunderstanding.

I think back to when I was younger with a generally optimistic lens. I wouldn't be who I am today, if I hadn't gone through life exactly as I did. I wouldn't have met the same people. I wouldn't have had the same experiences. But I cannot help but wonder what could have changed, and what would have stayed the same if I had known what I needed to thrive, rather than just survive.

The teenage years are hard for everyone. Hormones flying, gossip, dating, being cool, getting good grades, thinking about your future, but also trying to live in the now with your friends - I by no means am saying this shit isn't hard for literally everyone - but I know I felt out of place, even in my own friendship group who got me through the tricky teenage years. Now being an oddball certainly doesn't mean you have to "have something" but I had heard a few of the people I did know have been diagnosed with ADHD/Autism and looking back it does make a lot of sense - we just didn't know all that much about it back then. We were just "the retards" "the weirdos" "the social rejects".

The weight I have been carrying since self-diagnosing myself is immense (if I could formally get a diagnosis I would, do not come for me) and is honestly taking away from the new found freedom I felt when I first came to this conclusion of having ADHD/Autism. It's like there is a dark and heavy cloud wrapped around me and I am struggling to break through into the sun. I occasionally catch a glimpse, a bright beam through the cloud, but the storm seems to be never ending. Continuing to look back and experience feelings from the girl I used to be when she felt alone and misunderstood but couldn't tell anyone why - she didnt have the words and at times truly couldn't identify the issue. I feel angry that no one noticed, that it all seemed to be "normal teenager stuff" and that I was maybe just mature for my age, or little weird.

Then it carried on and I hid myself well and I burnt out at university - dropped out after a few months and now carry a debt that never even gave me any benefit. I carried on, feeling lighter back in a safer environment, still hiding, still trying to act in a way that was expected of me and I burnt out - triggering a decade of antidepressants and unsuccessful therapy. I carried on even after my therapist gave up on me for not being able to explain my feelings well enough and yet being painfully self-aware of my issues at the same time - I made some mistakes that will cause me pain forever and I wish I could undo it. I carried on until I had a daughter.

Having a child really breaks the best of people. It's hard. But when you have been barely clinging onto your sanity for a lot of your life and continue to struggle with your identity, when you are confronted with it daily, 24/7 with no break from any of it - it's breaks you completely. Your brain just shuts down and any energy you had left in your already pretty drained tank was gone. Used up. But you still have to human. You still have to exist. But I can't - I don't know how to exist this way. I have nothing left to give. I get angry, frustrated, overwhelmed at the slightest cry or whimper. I lose it sometimes and it scares me, it scares my husband. We decide shit needs to change and we finally find something that works.

For a while.

It DID work, I uncovered a lot of issues and in doing so I allowed space for this new discovery to come to the surface. But now there is a new journey. One that I expect will be just as tiring, and taxing on my relationships, but this time I am armed with knowledge and an awareness I didn't have before when I had no idea why I was just so desperately numb. This time I don't want to let it consume me, I want to grab it by the horns as we bolt out of the gate and into the pit. At times the beast will fight back and I will take a beating, but I will keep holding on even as the horns pierce my skin, even as my mind becomes lost to the fear and uncertainty of what's to come. I will tame the beast and we will live in peace, no more fighting, no more hiding, just me and my mind navigating this crazy shitshow we call life together, with care and respect for one another.

I still struggle with myself. And I know I will for a while despite having a loving husband who is my bestest friend in the world, and a daughter to whom I am the world and I see such joy in her eyes when she sees me. As well as the support of my closest friends who understand me and do not judge me. I still feel stupid for not seeing things others see so clearly and understand without question. But I have questions and I get angry when peole do not give me their time to answer them and I am often left with "because I said so" (blood boiling) or "that's just how it is". I get embarrased and frustrated and I throw myself into a pit of self-hatred because I do not choose to be this way. Good lord, what I would sacrifice sometimes to just be normal - whatever normal is.

I worry about being "myself" because I don't really know who that is. Will my closest still love me if I change? Will I change all that much since these people allow me to feel safe to exist most of the time anyway? I don't know. But I need to figure it out and stop hating the parts of me that make me a caring, curious, passionate person - because I love all of that about me, and I wonder if I wouldn't be so much of that if I was any other way.